Paul Nelson arrested for recklessly endangering police budget
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TweetThe day after a judge rejected another slew of criminal charges related to Paul Nelson’s first-place half-a-car Fourth of July parade float, police charged the 67-year-old man with “presenting a substantial and unjustifiable risk of harm” to the department’s budget.
“We knew Nelson was guilty of something so we continued to pour energy and resources into figuring out what it was. Well, that effort finally paid off,” a police officer announced during a press conference outside the jail where Nelson was detained. “Based on audio recordings, witness testimony, mind reading and years of resentment, Nelson was finally brought to justice this week for his deranged attacks on police spending.”
The officer recounted numerous budget hearings where Nelson incited violence when imploring elected officials to “slash” and “cut” the department’s already under-funded budget. Authorities assured the public that further charges are pending: additional evidence was discovered at Nelson’s home that indicated plans to kidnap and torture the budget. The officer described a “suspicious, secret compartment” in Nelson’s home where he stashed “nefarious clerical items.”
“He likely planned to restrain the document with Scotch Tape while using Whiteout and red pens to eliminate various line-item expenditures,” the officer went on. “I shudder to think what our salaries and standby time would have looked like if Nelson had continued to walk the streets.”
“That was just writing stuff in my junk drawer!” Nelson shouted from his jail cell.
“Oh yeah?! Then how do you explain this!?” the officer yelled back after holding up a ransom note composed of magazine and newspaper letter clippings glued onto a yellow legal pad reading: “I HaVE YOuR PRecIoUs SPENdInG PLAn...CuT iT EQuiTAbly IF yoU EvEr WAnT TO seE IT AGaIn!!!”
“We are dealing with a very sick man,” the officer said as he wiped wet glue onto his bulletproof vest. “That he won first place and a $50 cash prize during the reverse parade just goes to show how easily these sickos blend in among us. The public can rest easy knowing that your police department will remain vigilant in rooting out the criminals among us.”
