Several weeks ago I attended a clandestine meeting. It was so clandestine, in fact, that we didn’t know it was going to happen until the parlay was called. That’s right, folks: a traditional hermit get-together. And like any traditional hermit get-together—the goal was survival.

I was out of my cave, walking my dog Calypso down in Chilkat State Park—when out of the clear blue, two folks in kayaks paddled up and beached them nearby. Apparently—and I should’ve figured, given the entrance—they were hermits from the other side of town. They gave me some M & Ms while we parlayed—the first I’ve had since the pandemic began. We discussed food security, and I mentioned how boneheaded the borough was for not investing in gardens when they had the chance. They concurred. We enjoyed a few hearty laughs.

Meanwhile, Earth’s top hermit and only real wizard, Elon Musk, just bought Twitter. So hear me out: I think we should start a Hermit Defense Force. From our decentralized network of rocking chairs, porches, and beleaguered shacks—local hermits could achieve much by translating muttering to Twittering.

Yep, the local economy’s a smoking crater, and no one’s belly knows what the future looks like—I think it’s time to roll the big guns out on deck: hermit anti-corruption humor. If we aim for the flagship’s mast, they’ll never make it out of port with our gold.

I’ll look for you in the clouds, hermits. You’re the best we’ve got.

Chris Palmisano