Chilkat Valley News - Serving Haines and Klukwan, Alaska since 1966

Wanna know the funny thing about piracy? Me. I am the funny thing about privacy. No—wait’ll I tell you this. You won’t believe it, but will also know it’s true. Seriously the worst combo. Like a riddle made out of reality by a total pirate, n’est pas?

Don’t worry, I am totally safe, folks—this is why I spent two years becoming your Alaskan folklorist. So you know I’m on team Haines.

That way telling you the literary truth will feel less like medicine, and more like laughter. Piracy is in fact a literary art. I’m sorry. It’s true. Real pirates pirate history itself. (Think of the person known as Shakespeare, or the actual pirate contemporaries of the greatest pirate of us all: Isaac Newton.) 

You now have a retired pirate living in Mud Bay. I was trained in literature by the French aristocracy. I’m an American and an Alaskan. But I worked for a French Renaissance that is 100 years into our future.

I just pirated the global humpback whale movement away from the corrupt American green movement. The humpback whale admiralty sails the French Renaissance above. And this nonsense here is now over in a historical sense.

The good news is that, in order to pirate humpback whales for the Renaissance, by the rules, I had to trigger that Renaissance from Mud Bay—which I have now done. And there’s a giant frigate in that Renaissance who’s golden telescope is always trained on my ensign: “Rob Roy”

Chris Palmisano