Chilkat Valley News - Serving Haines and Klukwan, Alaska since 1966

Last week, the CVN covered the borough assembly’s vote to spend $57,750 for brush-clearing activities to eliminate “bear hiding areas.” Since then, a leak from within the Haines Borough Belligerent Bear Intelligence Agency (HBBBIA) makes it apparent that Government Officials are hiding secret enemy plans that present, to our best editorial judgment, a clear and present danger to the public. The following Communique details HBBBIA intercepted dispatches between members of the insurgent Brown Bear Liberation Front (BBLF). We have decided to publish the following classified intelligence in the interest of public safety.

Field Agent Comrade G: …hostilities appear to be ramping up…enemy operatives at borough obtained location of BBLF Hiding Areas…intelligence indicates the enemy making large expenditures to destroy Hiding Areas… await instructions…Remember Speedy.

Handler Comrade S: …underestimated the imperialist aggressors…Hiding Areas critical for tactical retreat since the Great Brown Bear Massacre thinned forces in 2020...intelligence priorities: identify how many Hiding Areas have been compromised…scout locations for new Hiding Areas…identify how enemy learned location of Hiding Areas…Remember Speedy.

Field Agent Comrade G: …asset HJahn (codename Prosperity Investments Alaska) planted in imperialist camp…negotiated deal with enemy bureaucracy to create solar-powered Hiding-Area brush-clearing munitions…delay tactic should tie up enemy munitions acquisition for years and buy time for Counter Hiding-Area-Destruction Actions...Remember Speedy.

Handler Comrade S: …good news…to be frank, can’t believe they bought it...seemed act of desperation to use HJahn…but okay won’t complain…Remember Speedy.

12 years later...

Field Agent Comrade G: …enemy plans to resume Hiding Area destruction with gas-powered munitions…BBLF closer to full strength…learned from asset that Hiding Area between Mountain Market and school track to be destroyed…intelligence is dire as Hiding Area is best used to lie in wait for excess organic, dolphin-free tuna fish subs to be thrown out in Mountain Market garbage…and gluten free chocolate chip cookies…Remember Speedy.

Handler Comrade S: …intelligence isn’t that dire as tuna fish subs and gluten free chocolate chip cookies aren’t most comrades’ favorite…I think I speak for the greater Brown Bear Liberation Front when I say I remain hopeful they produce more chocolate peanut butter cookies so maybe a few will end up in the garbage…Remember Speedy.

Field Agent Comrade G: …asset placed in public works shop informs Hiding Areas destruction is only Phase One of a much larger, Phased Campaign…Phase One just a distraction…Phase Two destroy Lutak Dock Uplands Hiding Areas for Ore Concentrate Storage…Phase Three poison salmon with mushroom cloud of fugitive dust…Phase Four eliminate Chilkoot Comrades who feed on poisoned salmon…depravity, cunning of enemy knows no bounds…Remember Speedy.

Handler Comrade S: …Comrade G come in from the cold…fellow Field Agent Comrade Z reports Speedy still alive…defected to enemy…double agent…news of death planted by enemy in local borough propaganda machine Chilkat Valley News…entire Operation compromised…Threat Level Empty Dumpster…report to Den immediately…Death to Speedy!

Field Agent Comrade G: …does this mean what I think it means?…Operation Kamikaze Brown Bear?...do we have the infrastructure in place?…Death To Speedy!

Handler Comrade S: …damn right it does…HJahn (Prosperity Investments Alaska) promises to construct 100 floatplane bombers…and many BBLF pilot/paratrooper schools…and parachute factory…and 17 McDonalds franchises…will bring lots of meat and jobs for BBLF Comrades…Death to Speedy!

Field Agent Comrade G: …I quit…take chances in compromised Hiding Areas…

-Kyle Clayton